NPR’s Juana Summers speaks with author and runner Ali Feller, host of the podcast Ali on the Run, about methods she’s used to get by way of a difficult yr.
MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:
Because the yr involves a detailed, lots of people take the chance to look again, possibly take inventory of the place they’re and the place they wish to go. If it has been a tough yr, possibly additionally search for classes and insights to hold into the brand new yr. Ali Feller is a runner, host of the podcast “Ali On The Run,” the place she talks with different runners about, nicely, all issues working. In 2023, she was identified with breast most cancers – invasive ductal carcinoma. On the similar time, her marriage was ending. Feller spoke with our cohost Juana Summers about what it has been wish to navigate her analysis.
ALI FELLER: Proper now, it is good to be on the cancer-free facet of issues, which is fantastic. However actually, wanting again to a year-and-a-half in the past, I believe it went from overwhelming to scary to, OK, let’s take care of this factor, after which a number of sneaky feelings alongside the way in which, some sneaky trauma and grief.
JUANA SUMMERS, HOST:
How do you handle that overwhelm? I do know, for me, once I’m feeling notably overwhelmed, it will probably really feel just like the factor that is overwhelming me is the one factor within the room, the one factor that I can concentrate on, the one factor that I can take into consideration. And but, you have got a job, you have got a household. You’ve all these different issues it’s important to navigate, so you’ll be able to’t let it eat you.
FELLER: Yeah. As a lot as I’d have – you already know, my fast response to that’s, oh, I cry. I really like crying. I sit and cry. I cry on a regular basis once I’m feeling overwhelmed. However you do not have that luxurious when you have a job and relationships and a baby, which my daughter was 4 once I was identified. And so I did not get to simply sit round and cry. What I did do is I went for lots of walks. And I am a runner. Operating has been an enormous a part of my life for a very long time now, however for some cause, once I acquired this analysis, I simply could not appear to seek out – not the need to run, however I used to be already going by way of this difficult factor, and working is inherently exhausting. And I believe it was only one extra exhausting factor. And so I simply slowed it down, and I began strolling.
I keep in mind the day of my mammogram and ultrasound, I did not have a analysis but, however we sort of had a way that nothing good was going to come back from that. And I went for an eight-mile stroll. I keep in mind it being actually scorching out. I keep in mind sweating like loopy in Could 2023 and simply strolling till I felt like I could not stroll anymore. And in order that was really a observe that basically caught with me.
SUMMERS: And about these days the place, you already know, you do not really feel like being robust, do you assume there’s benefit in permitting your self to simply be on the market and exist with out placing on that courageous face?
FELLER: Yeah. And, you already know, that is one thing that I’ve considered an honest quantity. I do not care if individuals take a look at me and say, she’s courageous. I by no means acquired most cancers to encourage anybody. I’ve a very fraught relationship with the phrase inspiring as a result of all I’ve performed, frankly, prior to now yr is survive. I have been in survival mode for a very long time. So yeah, I do not know the way I really feel concerning the bravery facet of issues.
I believe, for me, the one person who I cared about seeing me a sure method is my daughter. You recognize, her opinion is the one which issues, and all she wants is for me to indicate up for her and be her mother. And on absolutely the worst days, I by no means stopped doing that factor. If I might do nothing else on any given day, I might get my daughter’s lunch packed, and I might do her hair. And we might smile and benefit from the easiest moments collectively, even when then, I dropped her off in school and simply crawled proper again into mattress, which I did loads of occasions.
SUMMERS: There’s one thing that you simply wrote some time again that has actually caught with me. You had been writing about duality and the way you’ve got had today within the final year-and-a-half questioning how low your rock-bottom might really go. But in addition, you talked about these moments of great pleasure that you’ve got additionally had. And I’m wondering, is there one reminiscence or at some point that basically encapsulates all that for you?
FELLER: Ooh, gosh. Nice query – and there have been so many. One which involves thoughts as a result of it is this time of yr – it was final December. And so at this level, I had simply completed chemotherapy, like, three days prior. My daughter dances on the similar dance studio now that I grew up dancing at, which is only a tremendous particular factor to look at, and it was her vacation present. And on the time, we had been going by way of a divorce however nonetheless residing collectively, which was very difficult for me. And so the association for that day was that I’d convey our daughter to her present. I’d get her prepared and do her hair and was so enthusiastic about that. And this was her first massive dance efficiency on a stage, and so I used to be actually wanting ahead to it, and so was she.
And so I introduced her to the efficiency. She did wonderful, after which it was her father’s birthday that day. And so after the present, the plan was that she would go along with him, they usually had been going to exit to dinner and have a good time his birthday, which is nice. And I used to be like, oh, you already know, to go from this excellent excessive of you simply completed chemotherapy, your daughter’s dancing on the identical stage that you simply used to bop on, and she or he loves it, and she or he’s smiling, and she or he’s having the time of her life, and you aren’t getting to convey her dwelling. However on the similar time, I keep in mind driving dwelling that evening and blasting music in my automotive and really singing. And I used to be like, oh, I’ll be OK. And it was the primary time all through all of this that I really felt – not as a result of another person advised me and never as a result of something magic occurred – simply, hey, there was quite a lot of magnificence on this day right this moment, and there is a lot to have a good time. And that, I believe, can be necessary, to have these days within the thick of it that remind us that we will be OK, even when we’re faking it till we make it, which I did quite a lot of that, too.
SUMMERS: Ali, given every little thing that you’ve got skilled recently, when the clock strikes midnight and we set into a brand new yr, what are you going to be occupied with?
FELLER: Ooh. This one’s going to be my yr. Actually all I can ask for and, you already know, attempt to manifest in 2025 is I’m searching for peace, ease and pleasure. And I may even say, you already know, there’s straightforward and exhausting components of every single day. There’s – such as you stated, there’s the duality in each single day. However coming to a detailed on this yr appears to be like so totally different than a yr in the past. A yr in the past, I used to be in that darkish and scary place of actually being within the thick of most cancers, actually being within the thick of divorce, feeling scared and unhappy and offended each single day at one thing. And now 2024 is ending, and there is nonetheless a few of that. However my home is peaceable, and even on the exhausting days, I do really feel joyful every single day, a minimum of sooner or later. So, you already know, I do know I am getting there.
There is a cause my daughter is known as Annie. I’m a really agency believer that the solar will, in actual fact, come out tomorrow. And so, yeah, I am at all times hanging on to that, however I can also really feel it. I really feel the peace in my home. I can really feel it in my physique. My shoulders are dropped. Nonetheless loads occurring, nonetheless loads that is exhausting, nonetheless loads that is disturbing – however in 2025, I’m searching for peace, ease, happiness, pleasure and enjoyable. I sort of assume I am in a enjoyable period proper now, and so I’m having fun with that and chasing that.
SUMMERS: We have been speaking with Ali Feller. She’s the host of the podcast “Ali On The Run.” Ali, thanks and Comfortable New 12 months.
FELLER: Thanks a lot. Similar to you.
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