Amid latest political shifts and a charged cultural local weather, many ladies in America are grappling with uncertainty about their place in society. This sense of unease has fueled curiosity in South Korea’s 4B motion—a daring stance advocating for no intercourse, no courting, no marriage, and no kids with males. As a collective response, the 4B motion is a robust problem to entrenched programs, demanding accountability from males and policymakers alike.
As a therapist, I’d encourage you to contemplate if this motion can provide one thing much more profound: an invite to pause and replicate. Somewhat than adopting a prescribed algorithm, contemplate this a possibility for private inquiry. What do you really want? The place do your boundaries start and finish? Which decisions deliver a way of which means, pleasure, or liberation to your life? By shifting the main target inward, the “4 No’s” evolve from a manifesto right into a pathway for self-discovery and autonomy. This isn’t about rejecting males—it’s about reclaiming your self.
What does this appear like on a private stage?
Are you able to embrace one, two, and even three of those “No’s”? Sure, after all you’ll be able to. Take a second of quiet reflection and ask your self: Would I prefer to step away from sure dynamics or actions with males? In that case, what drives that need—or resistance?
I typically ask my shoppers to discover the motivations behind their decisions. Now, I invite you to do the identical. Should you really feel drawn to pause or abstain from explicit engagements with males, contemplate the deeper “why.” An inner motivation—one rooted in self-discovery quite than exterior validation—is much extra prone to information you towards significant change. Image somebody saying: “I’m selecting the 4B method for now, to reconnect with myself, to consciously shift my focus away from males, and to prioritize a ardour I’ve lengthy sidelined in relationships.” This choice is deliberate, grounded, and fully inside their management. It’s not about deprivation; it’s about intention. And it opens the door to progress, curiosity, and chance.
However, if the motivation is exterior—“If I withhold intercourse, my associate (or males) will behave higher,” or “I need my associate (or males) to lastly perceive how I really feel”—we could also be on shaky floor. Counting on others to reply or react in the way in which we want is unpredictable at finest. We’ve little management over what one other particular person will suppose, really feel, or be taught from our decisions. True empowerment typically begins by trying inward, defining our personal wants, and setting a course for private success that doesn’t hinge on anybody else’s understanding or validation. Let’s discover some issues for every of the “No’s.”
No Intercourse
In my follow, I’ve heard extra tales of undesirable advances, inappropriate feedback, and assaults than I can rely. I additionally continuously hear real-life accounts of the “orgasm hole”—a stark disparity in sexual satisfaction, typically at girls’s expense. This hole refers back to the distinction in orgasm frequency between women and men, and it’s not obscure why many ladies are reevaluating and even abstaining from intercourse with males. For some, they could have but to completely perceive their very own our bodies or the best way to obtain pleasure on their very own phrases. Others carry cultural narratives about intercourse that place it as an act oriented round male pleasure. I can’t let you know what number of instances I’ve heard shoppers ask, “Isn’t intercourse over when he’s completed?”
For some girls, a time of exploration—whether or not via masturbation, watching erotic movies, participating with girls, or attending reside performances—can turn out to be an area to be taught what they really need. For others, a interval of celibacy could also be a precious path to regain company over their sexuality. No matter type this self-exploration takes, it’s important to step again and ask, “What function does intercourse play in my life? How do I need my relationship with intercourse to really feel shifting ahead?”
This course of might result in boundaries round intercourse that actually honor your wants—maybe deciding to attend till the seventh, tenth, and even thirtieth date, or holding off till after marriage. Or maybe it’s exploring sexual compatibility very early on. Possibly it’s reestablishing intimacy together with your present associate in new, inventive, and related methods. No matter you select, let it’s a alternative rooted in your values and wishes, not a response to the needs of others. That is what it means to assert your personal empowerment.
No Relationship and No Marriage (Relationship and marriage are explorations of a partnership on a continuum and for that motive we are going to deal with them collectively. )
In my follow, single girls continuously inform me they’re content material with their lives, and if a person is to hitch, he should improve it in a significant approach. A impartial presence merely received’t suffice, and anybody who detracts from their well-being is out of the query. More and more, girls discover it difficult to satisfy extraordinary males, main many to decide on remaining single because the extra rewarding choice.
By delaying or abstaining from critical relationships, girls have a singular window to be totally attuned to their needs, with no stress to contemplate the needs, wants, or emotions of others. A solo interval can enable a girl to delve into the core of who they’re and envision a life formed solely by their very own values, aspirations, and passions. It’s a interval of freedom and self-affirmation, a option to domesticate the self earlier than turning into concerned with others.
As girls age, they’ve typically had the expertise of significant partnerships or marriage and so they might select to pause or abstain from new relationships for quite a few causes. Their life expertise has given them a clearer sense of what they really need in a associate, but post-partnership, staying single typically turns into a robust interval of therapeutic and self-discovery. Free from relational calls for, they’re embracing new hobbies and pursuits—dance, tennis, ceramics, or self-defense lessons. And not using a associate, they discover themselves with extra time and house to discover deeply fulfilling pursuits.
Midlife and past (earlier in case you are fortunate!) monetary stability and social connections typically reinforce a girl’s independence. The thought of a male associate turns into a consideration provided that he provides distinctive worth. This solo house is, for a lot of, a possibility to nurture fulfilling friendships, household bonds, and roles like auntie or godmother, making a wealthy life anchored in relationships that actually matter.
No Youngsters with Males
Girls’s need to have kids is commonly closely rooted in tradition, whether or not that’s household tradition or the pressures of the bigger society wherein they reside. When embracing this “No” girls could also be rejecting the function of mom with a purpose to distance themselves from the disrespect that they understand males have for the function. In patriarchal societies, comparable to South Korea the place the 4B motion got here to be, girls’s roles are clearly outlined and never in essentially the most nice of how—subservience, home labor and exclusion from energy are among the frequent expectations. In the US, this expertise is extra delicate, and although a few of these expectations exist, girls have decidedly extra freedom as of this writing.
Selecting to delay and even forgo motherhood within the U.S. can open the door to uninterrupted skilled progress, offering a singular benefit in a workforce nonetheless largely formed round male profession trajectories. The time and house freed up by not having kids permits girls to prioritize superior training, profession growth, and private ambitions—paths that may be difficult to pursue whereas managing the calls for of household life.
In essence, this alternative means you might be your precedence—not your kids, not your associate, simply you. For a lot of girls, this isn’t solely a route to success but additionally a profound act of self-investment and company.
I have already got a associate and youngsters. How do I take part?
Many ladies ask me, “How can I stand in solidarity whereas dwelling a life that already features a associate and youngsters?” Their query displays a deep need—to attach with different girls, to honor their very own progress, and to discover new potentialities with out unraveling the lives they’ve constructed.
The reality is, solidarity doesn’t must imply beginning over. It may possibly imply carving out house for your self inside the life you have already got. Ask your self: What do I have to really feel extra related to my very own aspirations? How can I domesticate a way of belonging with different girls, whereas nurturing my private evolution?
When you will have a male associate or kids at dwelling, your participation on this motion might look markedly totally different. You could not have the house or need to finish a partnership or essentially alter the way you take part as a mum or dad, however you is probably not solely proud of the way in which dynamics at present play out in your house. At its core, the 4B motion is about setting boundaries.
For girls with male companions or kids, collaborating on this motion will seemingly begin by defining and asserting these boundaries inside their present relationships. Is your intercourse life mutually satisfying? Do you evenly break up baby and residential obligations? How concerning the easy act of claiming time for your self. Or recalibrating the emotional labor of your relationship or the psychological load of your own home. It’s not about rejecting what you’ve created—it’s about increasing inside it, discovering room for the you that’s nonetheless unfolding.
How do I maximize my private progress?
The 4B motion is about reclaiming company—decentering males from one’s life, not out of rejection, however as an empowering option to domesticate autonomy, success, and self-determination.
As you discover which “No’s” serve you, and which don’t, I’d encourage you to discover timelines—how lengthy may you embrace your “No”? After a serious breakup, for instance, it’d really feel proper to abstain from courting, intercourse, or relationships for a full 12 months. Or maybe a couple of months is sufficient to rediscover your self. Maybe you’ve been single for some time and also you wish to keep in that house with extra intention. No matter your circumstance, the best timeline for you is deeply private.
Think about using some tenants of the SMART framework—Particular, Measurable, Achievable, Lifelike, and Well timed—to information your method. Choose one, two, or extra “No’s” that actually communicate to you. Outline what every means to you and the way it will serve you, preserving it each intentional and practical. Then, set a timeline that feels proper—understanding you’ll be able to regulate it as you go. In essentially the most optimistic iteration, your engagement with the 4B motion will mean you can create house, honor your wants and reclaim your narrative by yourself phrases. Honor your self and channel your rage into creating your most fulfilling life.
Please keep in mind to honor your feminine associates in no matter decisions they make—whether or not it’s embracing all 4 “No’s,” only one, or none in any respect. Supporting one another is crucial and no matter our differing paths, let’s not activate each other. Standing collectively—in assist, in connection, in love—is essentially the most highly effective factor we are able to do.
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