A 12 months in the past, Jordan shared the story of the crash that ended his skilled bike racing profession—a second that felt just like the conclusion of a life he’d spent a decade constructing. The highway since then has been a mixture of willpower, heartbreak, and rediscovery. From pushing his physique by means of grueling rehab to discovering new methods to channel his aggressive spirit, he’s navigated the painful technique of letting go of an identification that outlined him. What he’s realized, nevertheless, is that the tip of 1 story doesn’t imply there’s nothing left to inform. It means embracing a wholly new narrative—one constructed not on what’s misplaced, however on what comes subsequent.
After I wrote about my career-ending accident twelve months in the past, I assumed it was the tip of a chapter in my life. My unbelievable, painful, exhilarating, and shattering arc as knowledgeable bike racer touched down the second my eyes opened within the hospital, and my spouse Emily stated the phrases: “It’s completely different this time.” This crash wasn’t just like the others. The injury wouldn’t heal in time for the subsequent race. Life was by no means going to be the identical.
After a decade of preventing to make bike racing my life, in some way, I accepted the loss nearly immediately. I nonetheless don’t know the way or why, however I knew I’d by no means race at a excessive degree once more, even when my physique healed sufficient to let me. I used to be prepared to just accept that actuality, however I wasn’t prepared to just accept what it meant. I keep in mind considering that I might go to work like I all the time have and in some way change into a well-recognized model of the individual I used to be earlier than. I winced and grunted my approach by means of rehab to stroll once more, after which to journey the coach, and at last to pedal once more on the highway. I made myself robust once more, forcing my physique to do what I knew it might, even when it meant hours of agonizing again ache in alternate.
I crammed my life with tasks and alternatives to fill the void racing left behind. I booked work directing a U23 improvement staff for the upcoming season, I co-wrote a 250-page ebook, I fulfilled a loopy dream, and began performing stand-up comedy. I spent extra time with Emily, and we loved “normal-people” issues like brunch and weekend journeys, issues I by no means had time or power for when being quick was my full-time job. I instructed myself that if I labored arduous sufficient scripting this new chapter, it could be a seamless transition from the final one. If I dedicated myself, the struggling would make sense, and the darkish clouds of trauma would burn off. Occasionally, I felt a faint glimmer of the sense of that means in my life that racing had all the time supplied earlier than. I stored working and hoping.
One in all my huge bodily objectives was to get myself in form to steer a 4-day, 400+km coaching camp right here in Tucson in January. After that, I deliberate to start out racing time trials- a compromise Emily and I agreed on as a protected approach to compete once more. Simply six months after full thoracic spinal fusion surgical procedure, I pulled it off. I couldn’t cease smiling. It was a real victory, rivaling my proudest wins in competition-my crash couldn’t cease me in spite of everything.
Within the course of, I had normalized the truth that my again ached with a deep, boring ache nearly each hour of the day. I used to be a Professional, I did what it took to win, and my again would finally get higher as a result of that was the story I used to be writing, one agonizing day at a time. Self-determination and hubris are two sides of the identical sword.
I awakened the day after camp with a brand new, stabbing ache between my shoulder blades. I had climbed 2500 meters to the highest of Mount Lemmon the day earlier than. I had simply “overdone it” a little bit. That’s how I rationalized it away after I collapsed onto my handlebars making an attempt to journey out of my driveway that afternoon, the muscle mass in my again failing to help my weight for the primary time in months. The following day I made it a kilometer to the bike path earlier than the ache broke me once more. I took it in stride. The medical doctors all instructed me that my again was structurally healed and I might do as a lot exercise as I might tolerate. I used to be working arduous in rehab every single day. All I needed to do was grit my enamel, hold constructing my energy, and shortly I’d be “again to regular”. Ache was simply ache, and I didn’t have time for it, even on this new, extra extreme kind.
I regrouped and took per week off the bike to give attention to restoration earlier than I attempted once more. I obtained within the saddle, and I compelled myself thirty minutes away from house, one pedal stroke at a time. Abruptly, tears began rolling down my cheeks as I changed into the frigid headwind to pedal again. I stored pedaling, staring into the sandy wash that traces the Pantano River Park bike path, its floor scarred by rain and particles, not considering for as soon as. In my head, a voice larger than my very own broke the silence: “It was only a dream, it’s time to let go”. I coasted to a cease, the ache ebbed for the primary time in days, and I awakened.
There was no subsequent chapter. The story had ended. It’s a painful lesson to be taught, however there are pages in life that we don’t get to put in writing ourselves. I had been blinding myself with the work and dreaming up a story that might not be. I wished so badly for my accident to be one other battle I gained, for it to be in opposition to all odds, a second that made my life as a motorbike racer imply extra, not much less. I used to be experiencing what may be the defining attribute of the human situation: I wished there to be a purpose for my struggling. That day on the bike path, I accepted that I don’t get to select what that purpose is.
I haven’t ridden a motorbike since. My again nonetheless hurts every single day, however with out that relentless drive to coach, my life isn’t in regards to the ache anymore. The daunting actuality is that I don’t know the way significantly better my again will ever get now. I do know, nevertheless, that the burden of my identification gained’t relaxation on whether or not my backbone will let me journey or not. I’m not notably match or robust any extra, however I resent it much less and fewer. I play golf, I stroll the canine, and I attempt to keep in mind what it felt like with out evaluating it to how I really feel now. Fortunately, I don’t actually miss the bike. I miss the high-stakes sport, and nobody will get to play on the huge desk eternally.
I nonetheless consider what I wrote a 12 months in the past. That’s, I consider what my director Paul instructed me that afternoon in a Colorado race lodge. There’s “extra to come back” for me nonetheless. It’s simply not the “extra” I imagined. It’s not a brand new chapter. It’s a wholly new story, and in my higher moments, I’m grateful for that. I can decide the elements of motorcycle racing I all the time cherished essentially the most and hold residing them. Directing and training may need been what I used to be meant to do within the sport all alongside. The wins won’t ever really feel fairly as earth-shattering within the staff automobile as they did on two wheels. I feel they may be extra satisfying, although, as a result of these wins stay on with the riders as a substitute of languishing in my nostalgia.
In a twist of fortune that I by no means requested for, it seems I’m fairly good on the stand-up comedy factor. I don’t know how good, there’s no UCI rating for comics, however I’ve managed to win some competitions. That’s one factor I’ve expertise in, in spite of everything. The perfect factor I can say about it’s that it seems like its price doing, and I’ll by no means take that feeling with no consideration once more.
I don’t like speaking about what occurred partly as a result of individuals give me an excessive amount of credit score. I used to be by no means utterly misplaced with Emily in my life. Destiny took lots from me, however I’ll all the time be fortunate. I do know now that I’d reasonably lose myself than lose her. However I additionally know I couldn’t be the individual she loves if I stored chasing that previous story. It’s scary and it’s overwhelming, but it surely must be. Nothing will ever be the identical, however life by no means is.
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